


still a little bit yours

by mingyunwoo



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Former Lovers - Freeform, Jeonghan, Lowercase, M/M, Marriage Proposal, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love, scared of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29488347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mingyunwoo/pseuds/mingyunwoo
Summary: joshua accidentally meets jeonghan again in a supermarket in winnipeg, canada. what does it mean for him after he moved halfway across the world to leave everything behind - the hurt, the embarrassment, and the man who couldn’t love him back.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	still a little bit yours

**Author's Note:**

> i saw this in my notes tonight and decided to expand it and turn it into a one-shot. i’ll edit it when i can but for now, this is what you get. comment what you think. sorry if it's in lowercase, i didn't want to go through it again and overhaul it with properly casing.

there is a lot of things running through joshua’s mind, but the world stood still when he sees him standing directly in front of him. out of all the places in the world, he didn’t expect to see jeonghan again halfway across the world from where he used to live.

“hi,” jeonghan breaks the surprised expression on their faces and it was immediately replaced with ingenuine smiles.

“hey,” joshua replies kindly. he walks forward to give jeonghan a hug. a gesture he’s not sure he would have done three years ago. “how are you?”

“i’m doing fine.” jeonghan says. he rolls his cart to the side to avoid blocking other people inside the supermarket. joshua follows suit. “how about you?” 

“i’m good, yeah... i’m working for the local radio station as a show producer now.” 

“that’s great.” jeonghan smiles again.

“how about you? what are you doing here? in canada of all places...” joshua says with a slight laugh.

“i live here now.” jeonghan says. 

“oh, cool.”

“yeah, moved in just a few months ago after the- uhh...” joshua could tell there’s something jeonghan is afraid of saying. “the wedding...”

the wedding. joshua could feel a slight tinge in his chest after hearing it, but he couldn’t tell what it means. he just said, “you’re married! wow, congratulations. wow.” joshua smiles the best that he can over the news. “i’m happy for you.”

“joshua,” jeonghan says his name like it’s an apology. he can feel the weight of his name on jeonghan’s lips like he’s been trying to hide him from the back of his mind ever since.

“yeah?” 

“i’m not doing anything after this, do you want to get dinner? catch up?” jeonghan proposes. 

“your husband won’t mind?” joshua asks.

“wife,” jeonghan corrects him. “and no, she wouldn’t.”

“then, yes,” joshua says. “of course, let’s have dinner.”

“great, i’ll cook. can i have your number so i can text you the address?” jeonghan asks.

“oh, at your place? your wife won’t be there?” joshua asks in concern. 

“no, she’s out of town until next week for a conference.” 

joshua hesitates at first but gave jeonghan his number in the end. they bid their farewell and went back to shopping for groceries. joshua didn’t see jeonghan anywhere in the supermarket after their meeting. he checked out his groceries and drove himself home in contemplation that he just saw the love of his life again after three years... and he’s happily married with someone else.

-

seven years ago...

joshua wonders what the world would be like for him if he can just find it within himself to love somebody else. he has chased and adored jeonghan for all his life, but the boy would never reciprocate it. 

they would fool around, acting like lovers - be with each other through day and night. and it’s still not enough. joshua and jeonghan have known each other since they were kids. they were the best pair, and anyone with two set of eyes could tell that they are meant to be with each other - except jeonghan.

joshua would give up anything to finally be with jeonghan. the courage to say the words are still lost in him. for now, he settles with faint touch, longing stares, and tight hugs every now and then. until he finally confesses the love he has for one yoon jeonghan.

-

“sorry if the chicken is a little dry,” jeonghan says as he walks from the kitchen to lay the dishes he has prepared for them. 

joshua has taken his time walking around the house, seeing all the photos of jeonghan and his new wife plastered across the walls and displayed on tables. 

one photo caught his attention, it is one of him and their friends back in korea. right beside it is a photo of the same set of friends but he is replaced by the woman jeonghan calls his wife.

jeonghan walks to the living room where joshua stands and says, “ready to eat?”

joshua places the photo back on the table and walks to the dining room.

they sit in silence for a few minutes eating their food politely. “it’s good,” joshua says. “it’s not that dry.”

“well,” jeonghan says. “i’ve been practicing a lot.” he is smiling.

silence surrounds them once again until joshua breaks it again with a question, “so how long have you been with...”

“seunghwa.” joshua hears her name for the first time. she is no longer just the wife. a face and a name has been put in place, and she’s a fully realized person that jeonghan loves. seunghwa not joshua. never joshua. “three years.” jeonghan declares. “since 2016.”

joshua left for canada in 2015 to escape the life he once knew. and a year later, jeonghan fell in love. two years later, he got married.

“and what made you decide to move here?” joshua asks. 

jeonghan can hear the hostility to joshua’s questions. “look, joshua, i never intended to move here, exactly-“

“no,” joshua interrupts. “i don’t mean it like that. i was genuinely asking why winnipeg?”

“oh, well, seunghwa is from here and she was only living in korea because of work. she moved back so i decided to join her.”

of all the years, joshua knew jeonghan, he never would have thought jeonghan would make a big leap like this for anyone. he was all for himself, so dedicated and loyal only to himself. it’s as if joshua is staring right into a stranger. 

“i didn’t know you were here.” jeonghan says, addressing the elephant in the room. “i mean, i know you’re in canada but you never told us where exactly. all we knew was that you left for a job opportunity and we haven’t heard from you since.”

_that’s how i wanted it to go_ , joshua thought but didn’t want to say out loud.

joshua no longer had the appetite to keep eating. “i need some air,” he says. he stands up without waiting for jeonghan to stop him and walks out of the house. he paces back and forth in the foyer, thinking of just getting in his car and leaving, but he couldn’t. he walks to the nearest chair and sits. hands on his head, trying to keep it together, afraid he might go insane.

-

five years ago...

joshua wakes up from the sunlight flashing directly on his face. he lies on bed and just a few inches from him is jeonghan’s naked body.

he smiles at the view and leans towards jeonghan. he gives him a quick kiss and stares at his face waiting for him to wake up. luckily, he didn’t have to wait too long because jeonghan eyes open and see joshua’s face.

“good morning,” joshua says. 

“good morning,” jeonghan responds. he wraps his arms around joshua and pulls him towards him, cuddling joshua in bed.

“no,” joshua resists. “we have to get up, we’re meeting the guys in an hour.”

“five more minutes.” 

“one.” joshua negotiates.

“three.” jeonghan counters.

“okay fine,” joshua settles down and nestled himself comfortably in jeonghan’s arms. he hears jeonghan’s heartbeat against his ears and he feels nothing but warmth.

joshua nearly falls asleep once again, loving the attention he’s getting from jeonghan, even if this is nothing but a friendly gesture. although, there’s nothing friendly from what transpired last night, but when you’re in your mid-20s, it’s easy to feel lonely and seek comfort and pleasure from the closest person.

“i think i like you,” jeonghan says. joshua’s eyes lifts open in surprise. “i know i sound stupid and we’re friends, but...”

jeonghan sits up and invites joshua to face him.

“i like you.”

“i like you, too.” joshua confesses.

“great,” jeonghan smiles at him. “so you want to give this a try?”

joshua leans forward and kisses jeonghan. he kisses him softly and happily. he is overwhelmed with happiness because this is all he has been waiting for - it’s all he ever wanted. now, he has it. he has jeonghan.

“yes.”

-

joshua holds a ring in his hand. three years and he still has it. he kept it in his wallet as a reminder of what it felt to be unwanted. it seems to be an odd thing to remind yourself of, but after what he felt with jeonghan, he’s not sure he will ever be ready to love again.

“coffee or tea?” jeonghan says by the door holding two mugs in his hand.

joshua stares at him.

“come on, i made one of the two, you can have either.” jeonghan insists.

“coffee...” joshua says. jeonghan walks to him and places the coffee on the table across from him. jeonghan sits on the other end of the chair holding his tea.

joshua grabs his coffee and takes a sip. he puts it back on the table and takes out a cigarette from his front pocket. 

“do you mind?” joshua asks.

“be my guest.” 

joshua lights and smokes the cigarette.

they sit there in silence for a few minutes - jeonghan watching the embers from the cigarette drop off the railings.

“you want one?” 

jeonghan shakes his head, “i quit.”

“wow, when?” 

“right after you left.”

joshua didn’t say anything and continued smoking. jeonghan considered what he was going to say next because he’s not sure where they are. 

“i’m sorry.” jeonghan finally says.

“you’re sorry,” joshua echoed. it wasn’t a question or a clarification. it was just words he repeated, trying to understand what it means.

“i am,” jeonghan adds. “i’ve thought about you since that day. i went to your apartment the next week but you were gone. i didn’t know where you went. it's like you weren’t even there.”

“and why do you think that is?” joshua looks at him for the first time. he is mad. he is confused and angry, and most of all hurt. “i asked you to marry me and you didn’t say anything. you just walked out. left me on my knees without even a no.”

jeonghan felt tears building up in his eyes. “i was scared.”

“and that’s enough reason?”

“no, it’s not. i know it’s not.”

joshua just sat there, putting his attention back on the coffee. 

“you deserved so much more than a failed proposal and a coward who couldn't give it to you straight. i am so sorry for leaving you there. but you don’t know what i was feeling at that moment. i was so scared. i was so afraid of everything.

“things were going so fast and i was starting to get confused and frustrated, and...” jeonghan trails off, choosing his next words carefully. “i decided i wasn’t the right person for you.”

“bullshit,” joshua says. “just say it, you didn’t love me.”

“of course, i did. but only as a friend...” there it was. the words joshua never wanted to hear. the words he didn’t want to hear when he confessed. but he didn’t have to confess back then, because it was jeonghan who wanted them to be together. he was the first one to make every move and he was the first one who wanted them to date.

“then why did you even want a relationship with me? why did you make me your boyfriend if you didn’t love me?”

“because i saw the way you look at me.” jeonghan confesses. “i saw the way you wanted me. and i wanted to want you the same way. i wanted to make myself happy and be with someone who wants me. someone who loves me.”

“so you pitied me?”

jeonghan couldn’t respond. nothing he could say would make it feel better for joshua.

joshua looks away from jeonghan even more, not wanting to give jeonghan a sight of him in tears - badly hurting even after all these years apart.

“you are amazing, joshua.” jeonghan adds. “and this is going to sound a whole lot more selfish, but if i were to turn back time, i would do it all over again with you. be with you. support you. but i would have changed how it ended.  how i wish i made more effort in letting you know how incredible you are. that you aren’t the problem...”

“but why couldn’t you love me?” joshua asks, and it was bordering on pleading.

“i do,” jeonghan assures him. “just not the same way you love me.”

joshua didn’t feel any better. it was like jeonghan is intentionally hurting him at this point. he was punishing him for god knows what.

“when you proposed to me,” jeonghan says. “i wanted to say yes so bad, but i couldn’t trap you in a loveless marriage. or at least, a marriage where only one of us was in love. you deserved so much more than that.” 

joshua sits there. he wanted to get away from  jeonghan but it wasn’t going to do him any good. jeonghan was there, after so many years of trying to forget him - and failing - he’s still there. he can’t deny the obvious fact that he missed him. he missed his best friend. 

“if i knew you were leaving, i would have come sooner and explained everything to you.” jeonghan clarifies. “but i didn’t get a chance. and i tried reaching out, but you really made it hard for me to get to you... until now.”

“it was because i was embarrassed.” joshua says. “i didn’t know what to say to people or how i would get by knowing the love of my life left me.”

jeonghan allows the silence to linger when joshua stopped talking. he didn’t want to interrupt him.

“so when i got the opportunity to leave and the company announced my promotion, i left a month earlier than i should. packed my bags, told my parents, and left. i didn't tell you or any of our friends because i saw the look in your eyes when i proposed, and i couldn't bear to see it again... i tried calling you and going to your house, but i end up turning away... i didn't want to see you and feel hurt all over again. it was too much...” joshua relaxes his body on the chair as if he finally feels the weight getting lifted from his person. the weight of avoiding his previous life. the weight of his ex-boyfriend who can’t love him. “i can’t say it’s a good decision because all these years, i can’t help but feel like i’m avoiding everything. ever since i left, all i felt was... sad.”

joshua looks at jeonghan, and smiles.

“do you love her?” he asks. jeonghan blushed. the question caught him off guard but he knows the answer.

“i do,” jeonghan says. “with all my heart.”

“and that love,” joshua begins. “it wasn’t the kind of love you felt for me?”

jeonghan looks down and shakes his head, as if he’s ashamed of admitting it so. joshua didn’t want him to feel ashamed. after all the pent up anger he had for jeonghan, he still wants happiness for him.

“i’m happy for you.” joshua says and jeonghan looks up at him. he sees the smile in joshua’s lips and he couldn’t help but cry. “how did you know that she’s the one?”

jeonghan considered the question for a moment. he lifts his feet up from the floor and crosses it on the chair. he faces joshua. “it wasn’t easy... you know me, i’m complicated and i love myself a lot, so the moment i realized that i love her more than myself, that’s when i knew.” 

joshua gets it, because that’s exactly how he would describe what it was like to love jeonghan. he loved him move than he loved himself. he gets it.

the night continues and they sat there, catching up on what joshua missed - their friends, life in korea, all of it. joshua missed out on a lot. he wonders if he would ever go back there now that he has confronted the most daunting part of his past.

joshua checks his phone and it was way past midnight. he needs to go. he stands up, “it’s getting late.” he tells jeonghan. "i need to go now."

jeonghan didn’t stop him from leaving. he walks joshua to his car in silence.

“hey,” joshua looks back. “just tell me one thing...”

jeonghan looks at him and nods, allowing him to continue. 

“was it real? any of it?”

jeonghan smiles, “of course it was.” jeonghan says “you have to know that i tried, joshua. and at some point, i actually considered a life with you... until the end. but, you have to be with someone who is sure... not someone who is just considering it.”

joshua understands. jeonghan walks towards him gesturing for a hug, and he let him. they hold each other in silence for a minute. joshua closes his eyes and plants a kiss on jeonghan's forehead. he feels good. he feels free.

jeonghan was the first one to break the hug. he takes a step backward and watched joshua unlock his car and climb in.

“hey,” jeonghan says. “you think we could ever be friends again?”

joshua thinks about it, “maybe... not right now, but maybe...”

it wasn’t the answer jeonghan wanted to hear but it was good enough for him. at least, it wasn’t a no.

joshua waves at him and drives off. he looks at the rearview mirror to see jeonghan getting smaller and smaller as he adds distance between them. it’s a small town, so who knows when he’ll see him again. maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day. until then, at least he finally feels okay with it.

-

three years ago...

“hey, thanks for meeting me here.” joshua says as he slides into the booth. 

“don’t worry about it,” jeonghan affirms. “i'm always game for breakfast for dinner.”

they’re in their local diner where they mostly serve eggs and bacon in different recipes. it’s where jeonghan and joshua had their first official date. 

the waiter walks over to them and asks for their orders. they tell her their orders and a few minutes later, she comes back to serve it to them. they talked and laughed through their meal - joshua always has the time of his life whenever he’s with jeonghan. 

they finish their meal and they ask the waiter for their bill. joshua was paying for their meal when jeonghan volunteered to get the car started so they can leave right away.

it’s joshua’s turn to pay but jeonghan left a tip for their waiter, as he always does. he hands it to joshua to leave on the table. 

“see you later, na-mi.” jeonghan says walking out of the diner.

“he’s such a nice man.” na-mi says. “you better put a ring on him quick before he runs off.”

“i will.” joshua confesses. he takes out the ring and shows it to the waiter.

“oh, my dear.” na-mi is surprised but smiled when she saw it. “this is beautiful.”

“our apartment is already set up,” joshua says preparing his stuff to go. “i’m proposing to him tonight.”

“oh, tonight.” na-mi’s smile gets wider. “this is exciting. i hope it goes well for both of you.” she gives back the ring to joshua.

“me too, na-mi.” joshua stands up and walks to the door.

“good luck!”

“don’t need it!” joshua waves at her with a cocky grin. he stands by the diner entrance and sees jeonghan is waiting for him in the car. he looks at jeonghan for a moment. he sits on the passenger seat singing to a song he doesn’t know, but he can tell he’s having a good time. 

joshua can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with him.


End file.
